if only, if only
by AnyLessLost
Summary: she didn't know how it happened. she really didn't. she was not, was not, was not looking for a boy. she didn't even want one, not now. she wanted to die like a good little girl, never kissed, never held, never touched, never loved. she should've known by now she wasn't ever getting what she wanted. tw: cancer


they pulled her out of school when she had just turned 12, and everyone spent days gossiping about why. there was no other middle school in the city of lima, and they hadn't moved. her parents' cars were parked in the driveway, same as ever. there had been no forewarning, no announcement. kitty wilde was sitting in the desk in the front, closest to the door but to the side, and then suddenly she wasn't anymore.

_it's_ _embarrassing_, she'd explained to her mom, though what had happened to her was hardly her fault. _everyone's going to find out anyway_, her mom said, but kitty was hardly so practical. the less time they knew, the less she'd become known as 'kitty wilde, that girl who got Cancer and was yanked out of school'.

the Illness was scary at first, when her body started to feel like jelly and when her heart sometimes raced without any warning, especially when she lost her hair. she thought it made her look alien, but at least there was always a wig in her hair color. she hated the children's hospital. there were kids as young as three, some who couldn't function without an oxygen tank, some who had tumours visible at the top of their heads. it made her feel weird about feeling bad about herself.

the Cancer came, and then went. her mother cried over the news, but kitty did not feel relieved. she knew it was like a stalker, that Cancer, waiting for its first opportunity to pounce.

It did. and then It went again. over and over again until she could hardly remember a time when things didn't taste like medication and people didn't give her pitying looks whenever she left her wig at home. she didn't go back to school.

at 17, kitty became an oncology expert. okay, maybe not _all_ oncology. but she knew hers. backwards and inside out and diagonally. she knew when her last transfusion, last, meal eaten, last remission, last headache, last time she'd talked to someone other than lima's seemingly never ending stream of nurses and doctors and her parents. morbidly, she began to wonder when her last whatever was really going to be her _last_. soon, soon enough that she was pretty sure she jinxed herself for thinking that, they'd sat kitty and her parents down.

there was a social worker. her upper lip twitched like she was going to smile for kitty's benefit but then would decide otherwise, then attempt to smile all over again. she threw out words here and there, but kitty didn't bother after she heard the 'T' word. something crashed outside their room, maybe a patient. the social worker and the doctor jumped; kitty and her parents were blonde statues.

things were different then. her mom withdrew; her father filled in the cracks. kitty tried to make the cracks bigger so she could slip through them. there was no point now, in being careful. her life was heading towards the big The End whether it was from her Illness or a car accident or whatever other infinite ways there was to die.

one day, kitty was sure there was nothing left to wait for. standing in her backyard, she'd turn her pale blue eyes to the sky and hold her arms out as if in gesture to her surroundings. _what's so great about this, God? what are you waiting for?_ it was raining, but she didn't care. no, not raining. storming.

_what are you doing out here!?_ a voice called, a man's voice though it wasn't as angered or sure as her dad's would have been if he caught her there. she jerked. he ducked his head. he was her age, maybe a little older though that couldn't just been his added height tricking her eyes. his hair was a chestnut brown, as were his eyes, squinted under set eyebrows. her wig was soaked. she hadn't realized until he set his eyes on her.

_what are you?!_ she called back, sputtering a bit because of the raindrops on her lips. though her tone wasn't exactly something to smile at, a smile flickered across his lips and he dropped his shoulders into a more comfortable stance._well, I was making sure the crazy girl next door wasn't trying to get herself electrocuted._

_you think i'm crazy? _she said with a grin, though his words weren't exactly something to grin at.

_hell, I know you are. you look like you might drown soon. you're getting drenched out here_

she ignored that jab about drowning. _well, so are you!_ she accused back, making a his dark eyebrows lift and his face lit up like a sun rose on it.

she didn't know how it happened. she really didn't. she was not, was not, was not looking for a boy. she didn't even want one, not now. she wanted to die like a good little girl, never kissed, never held, never touched, never loved. she should've known by now she wasn't ever getting what she wanted.

he seemed bewildered by her, like he'd never seen anything remotely like her in his entire life. he didn't understand her. he didn't think he wanted to.

on the fourth of july, he noticed her shiver, though it was sweltering outside. _are you cold?_ he asked her. _what? no._ but there were goosebumps on her arm. and though it was sweltering and boiling and burning up outside, he pulled her into his side. when the fireworks were high above their heads, he dipped his head down and kissed her lips. she seemed frozen at first, then kissed him back for a moment, then leaned back with a low gasp_. i'm dying_, she spit out and he didn't even hear the words, sure she was joking because no one as intense and beautiful and perfect as kitty could ever be _dying_.

but she ran, and so he knew it was true. god, it was true! he talked to her father, who was friends with his. kitty had Cancer. It was Terminal. _she's had it forever._

ryder hated hearing her dad say that, because surely kitty wasn't born sick. but she'd been so sick for so long, it was pretty much _forever_.

it took a while, but they found their way back. kitty got simultaneously more tired and more ferocious. ryder fell simultaneously in love and in grief. she wanted so many things, _a girl's dying wish_. he hated to hear her say it so casually, but she seemed to like it when he did. so he stopped saying _if you die_ and instead said _when_. just so he could see her smile. because her smiles were numbered.

she got what she wanted. _please_, she had begged him with big eyes framed by wet eyelashes. and though she seemed so small and frail and hollow, he held her and kissed her and touched her and loved her exactly like she wanted him to.

when he got home, through his window, hair mussed and expression somber, his dad was on his bed. _what are you doing, ryder? don't you know what this is going to do to you?_

and ryder cried, right there in front of his own father.

a week later, kitty was drifting. _The Cancer_, the doctor had said, _is everywhere now_. kitty wasn't surprised. It was always everywhere. yet she was sad. she hadn't realized that she'd been hoping for a future, a future with ryder, until she didn't have one anymore.

no one ever followed a sleep schedule anymore. kitty slept more than everyone else combined. The lynns and the wildes were weary ghosts. no one even batted an eye when ryder crawled into the bed with her. she finally took her wig off in front of him. the morphine gave her crazy dreams. she whispered names he'd never heard before sometimes, ones that sounded like they could be read in a history textbook, and sometimes she jerked upright and gasped that she was falling. ryder seemed to always have a hand on her, promising not to let her fall. kitty's mom felt his eyes on her, though she didn't flinch from him. she knew what he wanted.

when ryder fell asleep after two or three or five sleepless days, kitty's mother took her hand and apologized. she said sorry. she said goodbye. the house nurse had told them it was smart to do so. this was it. this was The End. gradually, her father weakened and said goodbye too, though at first it was a plea for her to stay.

ryder refused to.

the house nurse busied around her, giving her painkillers, keeping her asleep. ryder watched the nurse with burning eyes_. is there a chance? can she fight this? please tell me there's a chance_.

_she is… unusually stubborn. if there is a chance, i'm sure she'll find it._ her half-smile was sad.

in the middle of her dream, kitty, her head rested on his arm, slowed her breathing. ryder's fingers found hers and held tight, his tears found her cheek, his lips found her skin. this was as much of a goodbye as he could manage.

it wasn't easy to tell exactly when she'd go. they didn't have a heart monitor to announce her heartbeats, and her eyes were already closed and she was far from responsive. he hoped and prayed, though he'd never been big on religion. she could _not_ die in his arms.

her breath rushed out

then rushed back in.

her fingers tightened in his.

years later, ryder touched her cheek. _you are… unusually stubborn._

Cancer was nowhere.

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